I am whimsically distressed and pining, wanderlust apparent, to write and become published. So I began reading erotica blunders on the 'net hoping to glean some insight in how to begin writing an erotica novel. There's some really shitty swill out there. It makes me whimsically distressed. This stuff is so bad, like bargain basement shopping at a five and dime store. It makes me think that I can write an erotica novel and get it published. I need to do something. I still haven't found a job yet in my field. But as I've stated earlier on this blog, my career is O-V-E-R. I just want a job so I can pay my bills and survive and exist. Has it really come to this, after all these years?
Last week I was thinking of becoming a PSO. For those of you who do not call 1-900 numbers, this is the vernacular and acronym for Phone Sex Operators. After careful and copious research, I found that I would have to plunk down some moolah for a land line and that PSO's make an average of - get this - $9 - $10 per hour! I could not believe this. The best way to research a new field/career zone is to go on the internet, by the way, and read forums and blogs about people already in their job/career. Several PSO's also work about 60 hours a week and some don't get paid more than $200 - $300 a week, some have been scammed, others dealt with rude/crude, socially unacceptable customers/clients, etc. I get more from unemployment, so I won't be pursuing this type of job. The advantages for a lot of PSO's seem to be that they could work from home. That part seemed nice.
So my new plan is to write erotica. Even though I do not read erotica. I have asked some of my erudite bookworm friends for help. I have two or three who read Vampire pseudo-erotica novels. I treasure their advice, opinion, and friendship. I think I can do this. I hope that I can crank out some above average erotica. I might even merge some genres to do this: comedy, thriller, etc. I do not think I will try a Vampire erotica novel though. I do not think I am good enough.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The Fucking Princess Handbook.
Here's a new story I just started today. If you are brave, then read it. Beware. I am in a fucking weird mood.
Chapter One: The Fucking Princess Handbook
Today.
“You are a Princess.” I read out loud in my handbook, The Princess Handbook by Farthaquandra Cessaline III.
They might as well have titled it “The Pristine Prickly Pear of a Princess Hellatious Handbook.”
Or “Hell Hath No Fury Like a Virgin Princess.”
Or how about “Of Frustration Station.”
Or I would have titled it perhaps “Pantyhose Suck.” I had heard of those who did not have to be required to wear pantyhose. I wanted to live in this so-called Non-Pantyhose Land. Where the fuck was that anyway?
“And because of this you are supposed to always act like a Princess.” I continued to read, sitting on my bed, legs crossed.
I laughed.
“This means you never cross your legs and sit like a commoner, i.e. a NOP.” I read and then looked at my non-princesslike position and reflection in the mirror.
I snarled.
Princesses don’t snarl, my aunt Agathanine would have said. I heard her gnarly dragon-ladled raspy voice in my head.
Then I sneered.
And they don’t sneer, either, Gloria! Agathanine said again in my head. Same raspy-ass nasty voice, except louder this time.
“Fuck that!” I said. And real princesses don’t curse, either! So maybe I really wasn’t meant to be a princess.
Every day I broke a rule. But I’d recently been betrayed by my betrothed. So I had a great excuse now.
Did the fucking Princess Handbook even have a chapter about when your betrothed betrays you?
No!
This was not fair. And now the entire kingdom knew about it and everyone would be talking about it at the Ball tonight, just like they had last night.
Jerks! I was surrounded by stupid fucking jerks so why should I follow the stupid fucking rules?
It’s not like I was bending or breaking or snipping or snapping the rules in two on purpose, it just was not my true nature to follow the rules. But. It was also not in my nature to lead. Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
I looked out the window at my kingdom. It was a beautiful land. Just gorgeous. Pink rivers swooshed happily below and magic grapes grew on the tree nearby, so I reached out my hand and a grape appeared in my hand, fresh and nubile and sweet.
You see I liked grapes and I liked the color pink, so my pink grapevine castle was surrounded by such. I also liked any alcoholic beverages that were pink colored, and red wine from the grapes. I was actually still half drunk this morning from the after-party last night, post-Ball bliss.
For instance, Dominique, a princess who lived next door in her castle, liked chocolate-covered cherries and rustic nearly-naked knights in some form of shining armor (somewhere on their body) so she had a pack of boy-toys who served her breakfast in bed and they always wore some rustic armor somewhere on their scantily clad bodies. Every day at 2 pm after she got out of bed, she invited the princesses over to watch her rustic armored boy-toys going at it with their nearly-naked knight-fight. She served everyone’s favorite cocktail, too. Mine was Cape Cod. I’m sure today I would get piss-ass drunk on Cape Cods because I was still smarting by being betrayed AND dumped by my betrothed.
And also my best friend, Pandora, a rather wild and tempestuous and passionate princess who lived across the street in her castle, liked steak, medium rare and all things meaty, which included beefcake men who were really muscle men, so she'd sit on her throne and have a strip show where the beefcake men would strip for her and strut around naked, sometimes while they lifted weights.
Pandora's daily strip show was totally not my scene (I'd sometimes hear the loud disco music from my tower bedroom), but it sure turned her on. I'd rather my boy-toy men be nearly naked, like Dominique's knight show. A little mystery, not weiners banging about everywhere while they danced and lifted weights. Uck.
Pandora had recently broken up with her betrothed because she was having wild tawdry sex with four of her beefcake men, wild orgies and the like. Which is why I had not seen her in a few weeks.
Every time I went over to her castle her maid told me that Pandora was indisposed. I did fear for Pandora though. She was on the verge of turning 30 and the Princess Handbook had rules about if you were not married or engaged by the time you were 30. If you weren't showing signs of getting married soon to a prince, then you would be banished. It was the rule, not meant to be broken.
If Pandora got banished from the kingdom, she would no longer be a princess and she would be stripped of her identity AND ALL OF HER MEMORIES. They would be stolen from her. She would know that she was banished but she would also not know it at the same time. She would be turned into a NOP, which was NOt a Princess. She would become a commoner. And she would not live here anymore.
So yes I was happy with my simple grapes and pink river. I did not need any naked or half-naked men to get my groove going. I had other things that I liked. I had a new toy to play with.
Princesses had help with magicians to create their image and pick their fashion and write their script of what they wanted. They hired script writers and magicians and fashion coordinators and people to help with their Coming Out Balls. Gown designers, too.
Tonight, Erlandamera was Coming Out and the theme was Mardi Gras. I had my mask and my ball gown ready. But I was not really that excited. Another party, another splurge and splatter of smack-stupid princes to sort through. Another gossip session of who would be queen next. It was rumored that it would be one of my seven sisters, Elvira, the mean, slimy one. And of course gossip swirling about my recent breakup and the recent hookup of my ex.
It just hurt.
I sneered and dropped my hand down and watched the lone grape fall slowly into the pink lagoon that was the moat around my tower of my castle.
“It’s FREE,” I said clearly, to nobody in particular but myself.
Freedom!
“I like the sound of that,” I said.
What the Princess Handbook neglected to talk about or discuss, was freedom and independence.
All of a sudden a giant ridgeback tail swooshed up near my tower window and a heady blast of air from it made me fall backwards.
I stood quickly and laughed. “You jarred me - but I am getting used to it!”
“Sorry, Princess Gloria,” Armadonna, my new pet female dragon peered into my window, her giant head and mouth curving into a smile. “You feeling better today? Still got your period?!!!”
"Hey, what the fuck do you think?" I yelled back at her, laughing.
"Well, honey, you sure got some fire in you, that's for sure!" She said, gurgling and chortling with laughter, making fire snort and erupt out her nose. "See, that's my new trick, like it?"
“Yeah, very cool. Is it time for our ride already?” I smiled and nuzzled her head. Armadonna was the new dragon in my life and much better than a prince! We rode around the kingdom every morning after my grape treat.
I just hoped I could take her with me when I escaped from this place – a recent new thought on my brain horizon. Maybe Pandora had it figured out after all and maybe she was hoping to get banished. It was just losing the memories that scared me.
Armadonna was fucking cool! Totally unpredictable. I bet she could help me escape!
Yesterday we’d done a drive-by on my ex, Prince Paul, who had been cheating on me with Princess Tatiana, a real princess slut. I’d recently been dumped by him through her! And I was still pissed about it.
I really hated this place sometimes. But Armadonna had great ideas for me. It had been her idea to do the drive-by yesterday and cause a stir and small cyclone at Prince Paul’s castle.
It surely had pissed him off since he was in the middle of making love to Princess Tatiana!
Ha!
Chapter One: The Fucking Princess Handbook
Today.
“You are a Princess.” I read out loud in my handbook, The Princess Handbook by Farthaquandra Cessaline III.
They might as well have titled it “The Pristine Prickly Pear of a Princess Hellatious Handbook.”
Or “Hell Hath No Fury Like a Virgin Princess.”
Or how about “Of Frustration Station.”
Or I would have titled it perhaps “Pantyhose Suck.” I had heard of those who did not have to be required to wear pantyhose. I wanted to live in this so-called Non-Pantyhose Land. Where the fuck was that anyway?
“And because of this you are supposed to always act like a Princess.” I continued to read, sitting on my bed, legs crossed.
I laughed.
“This means you never cross your legs and sit like a commoner, i.e. a NOP.” I read and then looked at my non-princesslike position and reflection in the mirror.
I snarled.
Princesses don’t snarl, my aunt Agathanine would have said. I heard her gnarly dragon-ladled raspy voice in my head.
Then I sneered.
And they don’t sneer, either, Gloria! Agathanine said again in my head. Same raspy-ass nasty voice, except louder this time.
“Fuck that!” I said. And real princesses don’t curse, either! So maybe I really wasn’t meant to be a princess.
Every day I broke a rule. But I’d recently been betrayed by my betrothed. So I had a great excuse now.
Did the fucking Princess Handbook even have a chapter about when your betrothed betrays you?
No!
This was not fair. And now the entire kingdom knew about it and everyone would be talking about it at the Ball tonight, just like they had last night.
Jerks! I was surrounded by stupid fucking jerks so why should I follow the stupid fucking rules?
It’s not like I was bending or breaking or snipping or snapping the rules in two on purpose, it just was not my true nature to follow the rules. But. It was also not in my nature to lead. Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
I looked out the window at my kingdom. It was a beautiful land. Just gorgeous. Pink rivers swooshed happily below and magic grapes grew on the tree nearby, so I reached out my hand and a grape appeared in my hand, fresh and nubile and sweet.
You see I liked grapes and I liked the color pink, so my pink grapevine castle was surrounded by such. I also liked any alcoholic beverages that were pink colored, and red wine from the grapes. I was actually still half drunk this morning from the after-party last night, post-Ball bliss.
For instance, Dominique, a princess who lived next door in her castle, liked chocolate-covered cherries and rustic nearly-naked knights in some form of shining armor (somewhere on their body) so she had a pack of boy-toys who served her breakfast in bed and they always wore some rustic armor somewhere on their scantily clad bodies. Every day at 2 pm after she got out of bed, she invited the princesses over to watch her rustic armored boy-toys going at it with their nearly-naked knight-fight. She served everyone’s favorite cocktail, too. Mine was Cape Cod. I’m sure today I would get piss-ass drunk on Cape Cods because I was still smarting by being betrayed AND dumped by my betrothed.
And also my best friend, Pandora, a rather wild and tempestuous and passionate princess who lived across the street in her castle, liked steak, medium rare and all things meaty, which included beefcake men who were really muscle men, so she'd sit on her throne and have a strip show where the beefcake men would strip for her and strut around naked, sometimes while they lifted weights.
Pandora's daily strip show was totally not my scene (I'd sometimes hear the loud disco music from my tower bedroom), but it sure turned her on. I'd rather my boy-toy men be nearly naked, like Dominique's knight show. A little mystery, not weiners banging about everywhere while they danced and lifted weights. Uck.
Pandora had recently broken up with her betrothed because she was having wild tawdry sex with four of her beefcake men, wild orgies and the like. Which is why I had not seen her in a few weeks.
Every time I went over to her castle her maid told me that Pandora was indisposed. I did fear for Pandora though. She was on the verge of turning 30 and the Princess Handbook had rules about if you were not married or engaged by the time you were 30. If you weren't showing signs of getting married soon to a prince, then you would be banished. It was the rule, not meant to be broken.
If Pandora got banished from the kingdom, she would no longer be a princess and she would be stripped of her identity AND ALL OF HER MEMORIES. They would be stolen from her. She would know that she was banished but she would also not know it at the same time. She would be turned into a NOP, which was NOt a Princess. She would become a commoner. And she would not live here anymore.
So yes I was happy with my simple grapes and pink river. I did not need any naked or half-naked men to get my groove going. I had other things that I liked. I had a new toy to play with.
Princesses had help with magicians to create their image and pick their fashion and write their script of what they wanted. They hired script writers and magicians and fashion coordinators and people to help with their Coming Out Balls. Gown designers, too.
Tonight, Erlandamera was Coming Out and the theme was Mardi Gras. I had my mask and my ball gown ready. But I was not really that excited. Another party, another splurge and splatter of smack-stupid princes to sort through. Another gossip session of who would be queen next. It was rumored that it would be one of my seven sisters, Elvira, the mean, slimy one. And of course gossip swirling about my recent breakup and the recent hookup of my ex.
It just hurt.
I sneered and dropped my hand down and watched the lone grape fall slowly into the pink lagoon that was the moat around my tower of my castle.
“It’s FREE,” I said clearly, to nobody in particular but myself.
Freedom!
“I like the sound of that,” I said.
What the Princess Handbook neglected to talk about or discuss, was freedom and independence.
All of a sudden a giant ridgeback tail swooshed up near my tower window and a heady blast of air from it made me fall backwards.
I stood quickly and laughed. “You jarred me - but I am getting used to it!”
“Sorry, Princess Gloria,” Armadonna, my new pet female dragon peered into my window, her giant head and mouth curving into a smile. “You feeling better today? Still got your period?!!!”
"Hey, what the fuck do you think?" I yelled back at her, laughing.
"Well, honey, you sure got some fire in you, that's for sure!" She said, gurgling and chortling with laughter, making fire snort and erupt out her nose. "See, that's my new trick, like it?"
“Yeah, very cool. Is it time for our ride already?” I smiled and nuzzled her head. Armadonna was the new dragon in my life and much better than a prince! We rode around the kingdom every morning after my grape treat.
I just hoped I could take her with me when I escaped from this place – a recent new thought on my brain horizon. Maybe Pandora had it figured out after all and maybe she was hoping to get banished. It was just losing the memories that scared me.
Armadonna was fucking cool! Totally unpredictable. I bet she could help me escape!
Yesterday we’d done a drive-by on my ex, Prince Paul, who had been cheating on me with Princess Tatiana, a real princess slut. I’d recently been dumped by him through her! And I was still pissed about it.
I really hated this place sometimes. But Armadonna had great ideas for me. It had been her idea to do the drive-by yesterday and cause a stir and small cyclone at Prince Paul’s castle.
It surely had pissed him off since he was in the middle of making love to Princess Tatiana!
Ha!
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