The Unemployment Office, Astral Projection, and Sex.

The Unemployment Office, Astral Projection, and Sex.

I remember talking to a gal pal in college eons ago about Astral Projection (among other things collegy: Sex, Drugs, and Rock N Roll). She swore she’d done it. She is now a friend on my Facebook, although the last time I saw her she said something shockingly smarmy and rude to me. So let’s call her LouDanne Dumme since it absolutely fits her mediocrity and lack of savoir fare. What she said to me was Just Unforgivable:

You mean you’re Still Single?

Even when she caught my deer-in-headlight reaction to her cold-hearted blunder about my relationship status, like a blow-harded bore she pummeled me with pics of her kids and talked about her perfect life being married-with-kids, she reminded me of the brutal “Smug Marrieds” that Helen Fielding writes about in Bridget Jones’s Diary. And why I so relate to that book!

I’m just glad that LouDanne Dumme thinks she’s BETTER than I am so that I DON’T have to see her or swamp through hoardes of hoaky pictures of her “super-duper” sons.

I suppose if LouDanne Dumme saw me now, she’d probably say:

You mean you STILL can’t find a job?

It takes me a while to come back with snappy comebacks. Usually twenty years later I can FINALLY think of something witty and clever and debonair to say. So to her I’d say to that:

You mean you STILL have your head up your ass? Are you STILL smoking pot, too?

But then she’d probably retort:

You mean you STILL think you can dance sexy? HUH?

We all know very well that I cannot dance sexy; I just think I can because normally I dance when I drink something – a lot of somethings!

I am pretty certain that if I could Astral Project myself Far and Away from here that I would go check out The Unemployment Office to see if I am on the targeted hit list to get an extension for even more unemployment income. I really need it bad. Like a sea-faring scurvey-afflicted sailor craves Vitamin C.

Hopefully this would take a good 15 minutes to do, so I’d have time to then Astral Project myself to Italy to check out the weather, the art, the people, the sex, the fashion, and the food. I’ve always wanted to go to Italy.

I suppose I have a short Astral Project list at the moment of where I’d go:

1. The Unemployment Office

2. Italy

3. My sister’s courtroom when she does her upcoming Big Case for I have a feeling actually showing up might make her nervous. I want her to win. And I hope the judge isn't a curmudgeon.

4. All of my recruiters’ offices. I’d like to find out whether they are really trying to help me find a job, or not. I suspect not. I suspect that they are laughing at me behind my back and busy playing Solitaire on their computers at work. They are also probably masturbating to keep from dying of boredom since the economy is so sucky-ass.

5. All the chocolate factories in the world. I’ve always wanted to know how they do it. I’ve always wanted a chocolate factory. Preferably an organic chocolate factory, possibly reminiscent of the gorgeous astounding chocolate I had in Austria and Germany last summer when I was there with my wonderful family.

6. Publishing companies who publish chick lit/murder mystery/sexy thrillers, or the like. Find out exactly what they’re looking for.

7. Literary agents who help people who write chick lit/murder mystery/sexy thrillers get published.

8. Those cool people who make animated films. The process sounds fascinating. Wallace and Gromit are so great.

9. Wedding cake confectioners. I love the Fancy-Shmancy aspect of it and I just KNOW I could do it if I could see how they did it. Yeah!

10. The next big piano contest, like The Van Cliburn International Piano Competition. I play piano, but I’ve never been That Good and I’d like to watch the contestants up close and personal, without having them know I was there, breathing down their fingers rolling clandestinely up and down the piano. Piano is like sex! It rocks!

So where would YOU go? I'd love to hear from those of you reading my blog. All three of you.