The Big Dick Blow-Off (or why a Man should Not Brag about the Size of his Penis)

This is a scene of a breakup/blow-off that I wrote last year for one of my characters, Jacy Yates. She does NOT like penises that are too large (more on that later).

Four score and several swarthy bad dates later, I went to the drugstore to pick up some Magnum Condoms. My new boyfriend, Peter Goldstone had been bragging about his elephantine dick.

“I have a Very Big Dick,” He told me. I hadn’t yet touched it for it was like saving hard expensive special candy for later.

“Oh,” I’d say, whenever he brought up this ravaging topic of conversation. “Really?”

“Yes, it’s Very Large.”

“Well…” I’d act all impressed and all that…but…I was Very Hesitant about the whole thing.

Frankly, I was a little scared.

He bragged SO much about that it was starting to freak me out. Like I was some swarmy Stealth-Bomber Girlfriend that could handle the ride. And I’d just gotten back from the yucky doctor, too.

But I decided to brave it.

So one afternoon I drove to an out-of-the-way drugstore in the Very NorthWest-West region of my universe to pick up the goodies.

After getting Ginormous Condoms in bright obnoxious-orange neon-thwarted packaging, that made me feel like Madame X-acto Butterfly-Blade from some bad ‘70s porn-o, and having the drugstore clerk look me up and down suspiciously several times, and then asking me if I needed any Ryder-Glider or Jelly-DoNutt’ry Butter with that or anything else at all, I stiflingly said NO THANKS, shoved the cash in her face (not wanting any change), then stormed out, and jumped in my getaway car speeding away. I then did an about-face U-turn right round and headed straight home like a big fat chicken ass.

What an ordeal.

A day later, he rang me, mad.

“What’s the deal, Jacy? You stood me up last night."

Oh Man.

We had scheduled to Do It at his place. He would supposedly make a gourmet meal with some fantastic uber-auspicious wine imported by his priggish parents (who were quite snotty – I wouldn’t miss them). I was to supply the Magnum Condoms.

“I must’ve fallen asleep.” I muttered.

“What’s wrong? Jacy, Jacy…” He murmured. Then he started singing. This always drove me up the wall. I dropped the phone “accidentally” on purpose.

The next day we broke up but he completely started stalking me and still does to this day.